pseudo-intelligence

column 1 0. integrated 1. total 2. systemised 3. parallel 4. functional 5. responsive 6. optional 7. synchronised 8. compatible 9. balanced

column 2 0. management 1. organisational 2. monitored 3. reciprocal 4. digital 5. logistical 6. transitional 7. incremental 8. third-generation 9. policy

column 3 0. options 1. flexibility 2. capability 3. mobility 4. programming 5. concept 6. time-phase 7. projection 8. hardware 9. contingency

This light-hearted approach was first put forward by Philip Broughton, an official in the US Public Health Service.

The procedure is simple. Think of any 3-digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. e.g. 257 produces "systemised logistical projection". If you drop this sort of expression into a report or presentation, no-one will understand it but neither are they likely to challenge it. You may even come across as some sort of guru on the subject.

[The above has been taken from "Style: An Anti-Textbook", written by Richard A Lanham.]

presentation skills

Here are some tips about giving a presentation:

• 1. Presentations should be 'content free' lest they bring confusion.
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• 2. Make liberal use of keywords like: 'proactive', 'leveraging', 'skill-mix'. They convey an impression of professionalism and intelligence.
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• 3. The strategy for any presentation should be to briefly tell the audience what you're about to tell them, tell them, then tell them you've told them. Simples! If they still don't get it then they're as dim as you suspected.
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• 4. Here's a wacky idea (but depends on the audience) ... start by announcing that you're going show some slides, then show a couple of actual slides from a kid's playground!

This was a favourite trick to play on a newcomer to the office of a company in Southampton. When he was briefly out of the office someone would leave a message on his desk to say that he had missed a phone call and would he please call Mr C. Lyon on the number written below. On his return he would do this and discover that the phone number was that of Southampton Zoo!
[a variation on the trick of asking a new apprentice to go to the stores and get bubbles for the spirit-levels, sky hooks or left-handed hammers etc.]

A colleague in an adjacent office would open his window in the summer and gawp at the young ladies passing by in the street below. At a suitable moment some mischievous person would sneak unnoticed into his office and let out a loud 'oy!'. The resulting embarrassment was palpable.

By their very nature, temporary buildings did not offer a lot of creature comforts and loos were often very adjacent to offices. With windows open and a strong wind it could provide the freak circumstances whereby loo paper could be blown from the loo into a neaby office. Reacting quickly the person arose, pulled up trousers and rushed into the next office (it had to be the boss's, didn't it?) to retrieve the unsavoury item. Too late, the boss had already signed it.

AAA went to the Gents loo in a small office building. BBB went in shortly afterwards and standing at a respectable distance a conversation ensued since they worked together on the same project. AAA was relating how pleased he was with the technical progress he was making and the wonderful piece of graphics he had created. BBB finished quickly and while washing his hands, CCC walked in and stood where BBB had been. Nothing at all was said until BBB was leaving the loo. At this moment AAA blurted out 'you should see it, it looks really good'. CCC, however, did not know that AAA and BBB had been in conversation and thought that this remark was directed towards him!

Prince Charles (back in time) would sometimes visit businesses and be shown around by the company chiefs. At the start of this particular visit someone bravely enquired the significance of the fox's hat that he was wearing (and in the process of removing). Apparently his response was that he had been chatting with the Queen Mother a few days beforehand and she had asked him about his imminent trips. The place he was visiting that day was a small village and not well-known, certainly not to the Queen Mother, who replied 'wear the fox's hat'. Charles duly obliged.

After work, two colleagues went for a drink at the local pub. On the way home one of them said 'when I get back I'm going to rip my girl-friend's underwear off.' 'Oh', said the other, 'feeling a bit frisky, then?'. 'No, it's just that this damned elastic is so uncomfortable.'

mixed bag

1. businesses have discovered Administratium - one of the heaviest known elements that grows with each reorganisation and concentrates in large corporations
2. do you care about apathy?
3. sometimes too much drink is barely enough
4. help fight truth decay
5. if you have to travel on the Titanic why not go first-class?
6. a nut easy to crack is often empty
7. humour is serious business
8. everything should be as simple as possible but not simpler
9. peanut prizes encourage monkey contestants
10. anything is possible but nothing is easy
11. variables won't; constants aren't
12. there's always free cheese in a mousetrap
13. 'semper sumus in excretia sed in alta variat': we're always in the cack but it varies in height
14. we work in an error-changing environment
15. technology and miniaturisation is here to stay and we should all be having it on our desks
16. there's always a chance the system will go down on you
17. the gurus of Data Mining confirm that there are lots of numbers in the world and the lottery winners must be there somewhere

• 1. I love you three, even though you've been three-timing me.
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• 2. Anytwo five elevenis?
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• 3. He stopped me when I was one-and-a-half way through the door.
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• 4. Thanks a million and one.
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• 5. The star athlete had the misfivetune to damage an elevendon.
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• 6. He greeted me with a high-six.
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• 7. Anytwo five petit-fives?
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• 8. It's now one-and-a-half-time in threenight's match.
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• 1. Some places serve fries with everything. If you order fries, you get fries with it.
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• 2. Most places provide complimentary water. Some try to save money by diluting it.
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• 3. Quite a few restaurants attract customers with the offer than they can eat as much as they want. You pay more if you eat less than you can.
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• 4. The price of cakes in cafes can seem a bit inconsistent. A customer queried the prices and was told the reason: 'that's Madeira cake!'.
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• 5. Order equal quantities of pasta and anti-pasta to avoid putting on weight.
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• 6. There is rumour of a place that doesn't serve main meals, only left-overs.
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• 7. You have to wait a long time to be served in some places but they do guarantee a same-day service for those not in a hurry.
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• 8. A chap reported that he had visited a cafe where the food was so old that it was brought to him in a wheel-chair.
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• 9. A hot curry can cause a 'stomach' upset. There are lots of cases of it but unfortunately it runs out through the seams and locks.
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• 10. Remember: if the food tastes funny you should be laughing.
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• 11. A lot of pizza houses cut their pizzas into only 8 pieces since many people cannot eat 12.
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• 12. A woman complained to the manager about the restaurant's cat - she said it upset her. She was told that she probably shouldn't have eaten it. The cat always seemed to be the centre of attention. A previous customer ate far too much spaghetti, let out a monster phart and lassoed it.
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• 13. Where there's smoke there's dinner; the food is never knowingly cooked. [customer feedback]
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• 14. After a few beers, a chap told his mate 'your round'. The other guy said 'so are you, you fat bastard'. Some folk are sensitive.
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• 15. Not all menus are easy to read. Some people have ordered 2 pissoles and after the waiter points out that the first letter is an 'r' not a 'p', they then order 2 arsoles.
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• 16. Sprinters don't eat much - they fast!
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• 17. Some women wonder where their next male is coming from.
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• 18. The man who passed out after eating one of the hottest curries was later found to be in a korma.
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• 19. When choosing a restaurant name it is worth considering how it will look. For example, the adjacent 'i' and 'x' of Megaflix (above) gives an unfortunate suggestion. Perhaps they should have consulted Clint Eastwood!
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